30 Days of Truth: Day 3

Day 3: Something I need to forgive myself for

Well...I'm sure there are several things. But there is one thing that came to mind fairly quickly, and some of you know the story. Some of you actually KNOW the story, some of you THINK you know the story, and some of you just know what SEEMED to happen. You see....about 10 years ago, I made a promise to a certain guy that I didn't end up keeping. I SWORE I would hold up on my end of the bargain. I SWORE I would. I mean, I knew 200% sure, that I would not falter. And I did. Do I regret the decision? No. Do I still feel bad b/c of the way things turned out? Back then, yes. But now, no....God always has a way of making things happen that are in our best interest, although we not recognize it until later.

So...what in the WORLD am I talking about? I'm not going to go into much detail, but here are the basics. Most of you probably know that I served a mission for the LDS church from 2002-2003. Before leaving, I was dating a great guy. It just so happens that this guy and I had been dating off-and-on for quite some time. Actually, I didn't turn my mission papers in for several months b/c the last time we got together, I was pretty sure that we'd end up married instead.

Well...that didn't work out (we all know that...I'm not married to him now!!!). About 5 months after we'd starting dating (again....) I woke up with a distinct impression to turn my papers in. I hesitated a little, but knew that it was something I HAD to do. So, I got the doctor's signatures, dotted my I's and crossed my T's, and dreaded the thought of telling this man that I was going to be leaving him for 18 months, and only get to write him during that time mostly. Those are the rules...no phone calls (okay, I did for Christmas once!!!).

I remember the night before I left. And to this day...I have to idea why...but we both stood outside in tears. We each promised each other not to write "dear John's" (which are letters of heartbreak)...no matter WHAT! We made the promise several times, and it was clear that neither of us would EVER break it off in a letter. Face to face was how it needed to be done, and we were 200% positive we were going to get married when I returned in Washington DC.

Things were going great...until one particular night I woke up SCREAMING and BALLING my eyes out. I had a terrible nightmare, and all I can say is that it was the most real thing I'd ever experienced. And after a lot of prayer, I knew I needed to write to this guy and tell him to not wait for my return. I had to WRITE him, break my bizillion of promises, and tell him that we could no longer be "boyfriend-girlfriend". OH. MY. GOSH.

Lemme tell ya...that letter was the HARDEST thing I had ever done, I had to rewrite it several times, and wipe off so many tears that were shed while writing it. But I did it. It was like God was telling me it wasn't right. I still can't believe I had the guts to lick the envelope and put it in the mail. I couldn't believe I would do something so "heartless", something I SWORE I'd never do.

Do I regret doing it? NO. Things have actually turned out great for both of us. He's married now, and living a good life. As for me, I couldn't married a better man. I mean, if we'd have stayed together...my life would be different now. I would not have ended up teaching, I would never have gone back out west to go to school, never ended up in Missouri. You know...the chain of events just keeps on going.

So what is it that I need to forgive myself for, then? For making the promise in the 1st place. I never should've lead someone on like that. This guy put his life on hold for me, changed himself for the better for me. And in the end...he was torn apart by my actions. I also need to forgive myself for taking the easy way out when I got home. I saw his family at church for a LONG time after that. I said HI but that was it. I didn't really try to tell them WHY I did what I did. I just let it be. We're great friends now...but I feel like we could've been even better friends if they really understood WHY, and HOW I came to my decision.

Oh well...the past is the past. It makes us who we are. We learn from our mistakes, and keep putting one foot in front of the other.